October 2020 Ass-tro Tarotscopes | The Horrorscopes You Never Asked For

October 2020 Ass-troTarotscopes

october 2020 astrology tarot horoscopesThere’s nothing like a chilly October evening and being outside with friends, dancing naked around a large bonfire while the smell of pumpkin spice everything wafts through the air. Maybe you’re not all that witchy and just like to crunch the leaves beneath your feet and wear warm sweaters. Maybe you’re heading into the season’s end with every desire to burn away the 2020 residue that has caked itself upside your aura.

Fear not. October Tarotscopes are here… trick or treat, you wacky ostriches.

Astrologically, this month has a lot of dynamic (messy, chaotic, UNFUN, but super important for 2021) energy to watch out for. First, the new moon in Virgo that hit us in the “get our shit straight” department in September will continue to create spreadsheets for our destinies and many moments of “oops, did I say that painfully accurate thing out loud?” Adding into the… assertiveness is the continuing Mars retrograde that keeps us actively aggressive yet trying our darndest to agress (that’s a word…) ourselves through retrograde molasses, hence building up the gress and making us super gressy. Grrrr.

Saturn, the life ruiner, is back in direct motion now… in Capricorn of all the kick-you-in-the-ass-and-call-you-smelly signs it could choose. So unless you’ve been busting your ass over the last year, trying to use your extra time wisely, you’re probably just going to be in the same old cycles you were in at the beginning of the year. For those who couldn’t stay still and just had to remind the teacher that they forgot to assign us homework, you can expect some pretty great rewards that will likely be disguised as major traumatic events. You’re welcome.

Topping that off, we also have an upcoming Mercury Retrograde that will border on the absurd, most notably because it occurs in Scorpio and asks us to TAKE A LONG, HARD, MOIST LOOK WITHIN, and find what more we can possibly change to cope with the shitshow that 2020 has given us.

Like we haven’t been handcuffed to our own self-inquiry for the last 6 months.

Wait, there’s more! Our first full moon of the month is in Aries, which again is asking us to figure out what obstacles we are creating for ourselves and burn those bridges, rather than struggling to get over and past them. The Aries full moon has a connection to Uranus (hehe) that will meth out even the most demure in our midst, just give it time. Let’s just say that September has been a moment to catch our breath in the chaos of 2020. October… the damn dam is open and oozing pent up frustrations, karmic lessons, and ACTUAL HOPE AND CHANGE FOR THE FUTURE. Sadly, that’s going to be disguised as an election which has absolutely nothing to do with any of this.

Finally… there is a special 2nd October full moon (in Taurus) on Halloween that promises to give you time to take care of you after all of the nail-biting, junk chunking chaos of the month. We just have to make it to that finish line…

Without further ado, let’s get busy with the October AsstroTarotscopes! Remember to read for your Sun, Moon, & Rising Signs. Don’t know how to do that? Send me a message!

October 2020 Ass-troTarotscopes

Aries: 5 of Swords. So, between the Aries full moon, Uranus (hehe), Mars in retrograde, and COVID, you’ve reached at the point of publicly arguing with squirrels and possibly with the acorns they are hiding. All of this internal… conflict… is there to give you an opportunity to blow off some steam, shed a few layers of angst, and take a flying leap… forward, obviously. Your job is to evolve, and when you scream at woodland creatures,  you may be actually taking a few steps in the other direction. Instead, open that throat chakra and speak your truth like the badass little ram you are.  [Get some sodalite to help create that smooth jazz DJ voice you’ll need this month]

Taurus: Page of Swords. You big bully. You’re all determined to wait and wait and wait until you get some validation for what you’re SURE is the truth. Maybe a message to confirm which path is the right one. Some type of hint about how to get yourself out of a sticky situation. You’ve probably been so stubbornly waiting for that confirmation that you missed every other message the Universe was sending you. Just do what you already know you should (since you’re going to anyway). [Remember that selenite keeps you cool and connected to the Universe and the answers you seek]

Gemini: 6 of Swords. They say the throat chakra is our greatest ally for processing our world. By communicating the good, bad, and ugly, we are able to metabolize the energies we collect from our daily travels through the Universe. In your case, dearest Gemini, your October will be filled with moments of floating the fuck away as fast as you can from all of the chaos in the world. When a Gemini has to flee the scene because things are just too much, you know the shit’s getting deep. Bring a paddle. [Black tourmaline will keep you in a warm embrace of badassery. Get two.]

Cancer: Justice. I don’t know about you, Cancer, but that sword in your hand of justice looks a bit like a bubble wand. Regardless, you’re going to have to wield that bubble wand like a shiny rapier, or a firm, stiff machete. You’re going to have to pretend you don’t see the bubbles floating in the air as you cut people/places/things out of your life and take a  stand. That feeling of incompleteness? Cut it out too, blow some bubbles into the wound, and don’t look back. Your brand of karma is like no other. Own it. [It is a lot easier to feel empowered when you’ve got a tiger on your side… or at least some tiger’s eye

Leo: Hermit. WHAT? THE HERMIT? But, I’m a LEO! RAWRRR! Just kidding. I mean, about the angst. This month is going to get so unbelievably dramatic for people that you may as well don your hermit cloak and go find a new planet for a few weeks. You and Gemini are sharing a burning need to be anywhere but HERE this month, which says a ton about what the rest of us are about to witness. Godspeed, little lions. We’ll see you on the flippity flop. [Cool down that incredulous angst with a chip or 12 of larimar]

Virgo: Queen of Pentacles. Seriously? We’ve got Gemini and Leo fleeing to mountains and asteroids. Cancer is gettin’ swole for a fight. Virgos? We’re going to be Virgos. Just getting shit done for the month while everyone else seems to be shifting, shaking, and earth quaking. Y’all won’t even make your beds before you go, will you? Virgo, just make sure when you’re tending to ALL THE THINGS, you give yourself a little treat or an hour off this month. You deserve a break. [While not exactly the golden ticket you yearn for, this chunkachunka calcite love is all you really need]

Libra: 6 of Wands. Happy birthday, Libras! There’s a bit of empowerment, pride, and bizarre enlightenment heading your way this month, Libra. I’m not really sure how you lucked out, so we can just give a nod to the fairies and wait to see what else they probably have planned for you when you least expect it. Until then, enjoy your moments in the sun. Bring some grapes. Make some raisins. Put them in cookies. Say they’re chocolate. Have the last laugh. Let us know what you learned in the process. [Find some emerald calcite and just go marry it and live happily ever after]

Scorpio: 7 of Pentacles. Scorpio may feel pretty swaggy (and gaggy) this month. October not only begins the Scorpio birthday celebrations but it also has a musty air of illusion and existential questioning. What are we even doing anymore? Why do we even care? When is enough, enough? What are we making for dinner tonight? Now’s not the time to get all caught up in the intellectual nature of man, Scorpio, you’ve got disillusionment to tend to. [Voice your concerns (to yourself, obviously) and travel to distant galaxies with labradorite, available in chunks, palm stones, and slabs]

Sagittarius: 10 of Swords. Normally, this is one of those cards that is all about things ending in relatively painful and dramatic ways. But let’s juxtapose that with the Sagittarius tendency to enjoy the unraveling of situations, events… and people. For some reason, this feels less like a trauma response to a major life event than Sagittarius sociology Rube Goldberg machine. May we all survive the testing phase of this Sagittarius experiment. [Don’t be so antsy, grab some aragonite and plant a pansy]

Capricorn: Ace of Cups. When a Capricorn is done, they are done. Stick a fork… somewhere close to them (don’t, under any circumstances, threaten them with a fork). The funny part about that is most Capricorns aren’t the type to stick around for long goodbyes. By the time you’ve cut ties, you’ve already begun following a new sumthin’ sumthin’. The even funnier part is that despite your ruthless reputation, you are a lot more heart driven than most people realize. This month, follow that gory, blood pumping muscle as far as you can take it. You’re about to find yourself is deliciously unstable territory that you’ll probably love. [When you get there, pull out your handy, crumbly desert rose selenite and write a sonnet about how people are idiots]

Aquarius: Queen of Swords. Aquarians are all about being quirky, which can often translate into “weirdo who took my garden shed and has blocked me on all social media sites.” “Quirky” is probably somewhere in your superhero name or written on your undies. This month, instead of killing them with quirk, you’re going to have to find those undies, pull them up snugly, and get your sword a-swingin’. How can you possibly shine when you’ve got that dull, dense, damp energy following you around? Why can’t you be the one to just cut those ties yourself? Do what you do best and cha cha yourself out of that goo that has you so stabby. [Grab some obsidian on your way so you can connect with your inner volcano]

Pisces: 3 of Cups. Sweet! You get to have plenty of swishy-swashy good times this month as you watch everyone else go through ALL OF THE FEELINGS in a randomly ordered downward spiral. While you observe humanity, you aren’t really going to feel like lending a hand, ear, or shoulder. Instead, you’re going to have this warm, overwhelming feeling of validation and companionship. Yep, the world is on fire. Don’t you feel comfycozy now? [You’re not getting anymore amethyst, try a quartz stalactite instead]


Peace out, y’all. Have a super fun month that should mean eight, yet we’ve turned it into a 10.

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